Is been 5 years.....

Well here we are.... for the past couple of months I have continued to think about this little blog of mine. The one I started when John was in my tummy. The one that I love to go back to, to see my boys growing up.  A life that seemed so chaotic, the future unknown, the dreams that I had of the life I am living now.  John is now 12..yes you read that right 12! Broc is now 10!

 12 and 10  

 You may look back at this blog and think.. wait a minute.... many of you don't know the married Jess, the pregnant Jess, the only one kid Jess. Most of you know the "SUPER MOM JESS." Who on the outside seems to have it all together. The one who wants to make every minute of every day count. The one who loves to love. The one who loves to make every single person feel special. That Jess is still here, though some days it is harder to find her buried under a wall of protection. 

I have tried to figure out how to use this blog in a positive light. How people can come watch my boys grow, get some tips on how to be the mom who seems to have everything figured out, but also a place where the truth lands. Where the reality of the heaviness of being a single parent surfaces but also where sadness is allowed, where the belief in life after death thrives, and understanding that universe paves our way and that our bodies are just houses for our souls to learn lessons. So many lessons...

Here's being real with you all.... I started this blog because I had an irrational fear (some call it anxiety) of dying when my kids weren't old enough to remember me. I wanted a place where they could go and see how much fun we had, how loved they were, that even if I wasn't physically here on earth that they knew and  would read just how much their mama loved them. I have no doubts that they know how much their mama loves them now, they probably knew back then as well. But they don't know about this blog, to this day. I know at some point I will share it with them. May be sooner than later or may be one of you will say..dude I read your moms blog today and she's a mess you should be nicer to her! Hopefully, what they feel when reading this, is that their mom was real, their mom seemed like that she had her shit together but she was a hot mess on the inside. Mainly, I hope they say I get it, I understand or they take my helpful tips to use.

5 years is a long time, but I wanted to touch on why this is all coming out now.

 In November, I prepared for my grandfathers death. I was there on his final days, I hugged my grandmother, mom and aunts several times as we were in and out of the family home my mother grew up in, heck we all grew up in. I went to bed several nights thinking this would be the night I got the call. My Grandfather and I have a different relationship than most. Being the oldest granddaughter to a young mother, I was seen almost as a daughter. The advice he gave wasn't from a grandfather but a dad at times. It left our relationship a little strained if you would say. Watching my cousins be treated like grandaughters was something that I was envious of. But in the end, I was the lucky one.  The things he taught me about relationships was something that I won't take for granted. This man hung on.... I mean he was stubborn. I remember saying how odd it was to pray for someone to let go, for them to die. It was such an odd concept but I understood, he didn't want to leave. I was there when he took his last breath and although it was so spiritual, it was also so emotional.  The man lived an amazing long life. He has great grand children, grand children, daughters, son n laws, and a wife of over half his lifetime by his side. He fully lived the most blessed life where he blessed so many people around him and taught us all the importance of family.  

While at his visitation, I found out my cousin on the other side had passed away. You know how you have moments where you relive them over and over and they are the moments that changed your life, the slow motion second where you would give anything for the person to be talking to be lying, or joking, but the tragic replay continues to play over and over in your head. This was that moment, in the church that I have spent my entire spiritual journey, where every holiday was spent with my family, where my boys were baptized to be apart of Gods family, where I always found peace no matter what chaos life had put me through, and where I never felted judged because it felt like home. My life forever changed that night, as it did for soooo many.  My cousin left behind a beautiful wife, but 3 little kids. I will forever remember this night, but his kids the memories they may fade, (not without an attempt by many to make sure his spirit lives on). 

  

My cousin was a brother to me, and the older we got the more time we spent apart but there was never a text that didn't get responded to, a "miss you so much cousin" message that didn't go out, arms that wouldn't wrap around me every time I saw him He was my peace, the person who I never questioned if I called he would be there without hesitation, no matter what life through at us. And trust me when I say....life through some shit at us. 

 I'm sure you are thinking what the heck Jess we didn't come here to listen to your sad story. But HE is the reason I am starting this again. He's the reason I started this to begin with.... I will save this explanation for another blog as to what soul family means, what the afterlife means to me and how even after he isn't physically with me he lives on through me, through his strong wife, through his mother and brother, but through his children. 

So with that said-- Welcome to Our Eventful Life---- 

If you are new...Welcome

If you haven't been here for 5 years..Welcome Back 

If you think I am crazy..Welcome to the Shit Show

If you are here for some mom advice..Welcome my fellow sister

If you are John and Broc and are reading this years later... Welcome back my boys! 

 

At the end of the day this blog is my safe place. My place to say what I want, to help others understand, and to hopefully get people to be kinder to one another because at the end of the day.. we never know what day is the day that will change our lives forever. We must LOVE BIG but also live in our TRUTH! In this moment, at this time my heart is weak, my heart is hurting, my heart is also so incredibly strong because every day I get to love these boys. They inspire me, they love me for my faults, they remind me that GOD put me here to love them and teach them how to be good, kind, caring humans. I have said it so many times before but I will say it again, I am so thankful they chose me to be their mom because my life wouldn't be nearly as exciting or rewarding without them in it. The world may be be big but the 3 of us get to take it on together....and for that I will forever be thankful.... Until next time my friends..

Welcome Back..