Guilt and Motherhood???

I have known my whole life that I wanted to be a mom. I had this vision in my head of the "perfect life" and how I was going to be the "perfect mom."  Boy was I surprised to find out that neither of these things existed!! The amount of "guilt" I feel on a daily basis was the biggest surprise to me! It began in the first minutes....

I pushed John out so hard and fast it bruised his face...I remember thinking...I am so sorry my sweet boy I didn't mean to hurt your face, maybe I shouldn't have pushed so hard. Yes I know what a crazy thing to think!

The second time was two hours after he was born and they told me he was going to the NICU because of his low blood sugars. As a mom with gestational diabetes I knew it was a possibility for this to happen. I racked my brain for days (and still to this day) about how if I didn't have diabetes then he wouldn't have to endure such pain in his first few days.

I don't think a day goes by that I don't feel "guilty."

Do I leave him too much?
Did I not feed him enough for breakfast?
Did I not sit on the floor and play with him long enough today?
Why did I have to take him in and out of his carseat so much?
Did I get the "safest" car seat for him?
Should I have used cloth diapers instead of regular ones?
Are these pajamas too small (already)?
Did I try to push him to grow up too fast?
Did I tell him no when I should have just let him bang on the computer (as I type this)?


 I remember calling my mom one night when John was 2 months and needed his nose sucked but I was too scared to do it, "Am I a bad mom if I don't suck his nose out?" "She laughed and replied "not at all Jessica."  Insert another guilt feeling, really I am too scared to suck out his nose so I am going to make him suffer? My mom said "Welcome to motherhood, you have the rest of your life to feel guilty." Man was she right!


Everyday its something different I feel guilty about...the truth is I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't but I do! I love John more than I could ever love anything ever. I am just a mom trying to do the best I can. The amount of pressure we put on ourselves as moms is ridiculous. Sometimes I think social networking can make it worse! We not only have our own guilt to feel but then we start comparing ourselves to other moms, which increases the guilt! 


I know I have my whole life to feel guilty and it is just something I am having to get over and embrace it. Maybe its the reason we strive to be better mothers? Maybe that's what makes the difference between first and second children. Parents stop analyzing every decision they make and just live life. The one thing I do know and don't feel guilty about....

Is I get to spend the rest of my life watching this beautiful boy grow up..

All the guilt is worth it to have him, to know him, and to help him grow